Bent, but not Broken

In the god-forsaken heart of darkness....

2008-06-29T10:30:18Z

For some reason, being awake at 5:30 in the morning (not when you purposefully awake at this time, but rather when you've been awake all night) is a terrible thing. It seems like the dark heart of night, the time when everything is slow and still, and the world doesn't exist beyond the lighted glare of the monitor in the dark. So, why am I still awake at o'dark thirty? Too much on my mind? Habitual late nights that have my sleeping pattern all fucked up? A bit of both, I think. And, as always, it seems the main object of my perturbation is a boy. There's been so much that's went on in the last six months or so since I've posted anything here - spring testing, spring concert (small disaster, that), ending of school (thank ALL that's holy), the beginning of summer break, a car wreck that I walked away from more or less unscathed (bumps, bruises, knotted muscles being the injuries sustained...can't say the same for the truck), the brief reunion with an old friend/crush (the one from Jackson, the would-be teacher), the equally quick loss of that person (due to work hours and the hilarious loss of a cell phone - trust me, the story of his loss of his phone is a doozy), turning the big 3-0 in a week, and then, again, back to the boy. The boy who is one of my best friends and closest confidants.

I can acknowledge the fact that a part of me will always belong to him... that I'll never really be free of the love I have that is unrequited. Yup, I'm a big girl, can deal. We'd discussed the possibility, once upon a time. I can heap the blame for the not-relationship at the feet of a more or less ex-friend...once a best friend, whose lies I'm STILL discovering. It shakes something, deep in your core, to know that someone you trusted so completely could lie to your face the entire time. Worse to think, to know, that you didn't catch it. Worse to know that the lies went on for years. All because of a boy. The boy. Regardless of my feelings for the boy, if the tables had been turned, I would have never lied to her the way she lied to me. Does that make me better than her? Probably not, but I can pretend and hold the moral high ground. Still, because of her clinginess, and the ugliness that ensued during the breakup, the boy has firmly crossed "dating friends" off the list, as something never to be attempted ever again. Regardless of the feelings, regardless of the potential. *sigh* So, I made peace with it. He calls me his best friend. I make peace with the fact that I will only ever be his friend, contenting myself with the idea that I still have my place in his affections, that no one else can, even if it comes with the label "best friend". Yup, those words we all hate to hear from members of the opposite sex. But, I've been a big girl, I've moved on. I didn't feel jealousy when he told me about his attraction to a co-worker. I didn't get angry or jealous when he told me they were dating. I'm happy for him, and cool about it, at least in the abstract; I've yet to see them together, tho I'm hoping that this new-found acceptance and maturity will continue even in her presence.

So, the subject of my current vexation with the boy isn't about his new lady. It doesn't have a thing to do with her. (At least, I don't think so.) It does, however, deal with feeling unappreciated and unimportant. We had made some tentative plans to get together this weekend. He had originally planned to come down here to my house for the weekend; that fell through when the boss needed him to work on Saturday. Fine; my mother wanted me to take her to Lex-town and drop her off with Dad, who's there on business - we'd meet up there after he got off work and have dinner. So I'm sitting in my parent's hotel room, watching tv, waiting for him to call. When he finally does, turns out we have a miscommunication; he thought I would be there on Saturday, not Friday. Since it was Friday, and I was in Lex-town already, obviously those plans weren't going to work. So, alternate plans - I was free for the rest of the weekend, I could come down to his place saturday and stay through monday. Fine, he said, I'll call when I have an idea when I'm getting off work, you can head down, be there when I'm free. So, here is saturday, and I'm waiting. I don't do much of anything, because I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Which it never does. After 7:30 came and went, I ordered a pizza, knowing that I wasn't going anywhere, but at least expecting him to call to tell me what the hell had happened. It's now 6 am on sunday, and I've heard nothing.

Now, in all fairness, I know his dad has been sick. He's been in the hospital twice in the last week with chest pains. His lady's mother has also been in the hospital at least once that I know of, also with chest pains. I'm willing to be forgiving and lenient if something has happened, a family emergency, that kept him from making contact. But a small part of me wonders, why he couldn't take five minutes to let me know something had happened. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I wouldn't have left him hanging, wondering what was going on, getting a little bit worried. I'll also admit that I didn't call, or text, because of my stupid pride. Am I petty or childish because I didn't get a courtesy phone call? Of course, if he calls later today, and something horrible happened, I'm going to feel like a heel for thinking/feeling this way. I know that. But that small, mean, part of me, still whispers, "he doesn't care enough to even call and apologize". Petty, but true. Then the same small, mean, petty part of myself starts wondering, what exactly am I getting out of this relationship? It's my nature to give 110% to my friends and lovers; I spoil them often and well, with time, attention, and even money if it's needed. I have, at different times, for different people, dropped everything to be with, or help, when they have a crisis. When the boy had his car wreck a few years ago, I canceled two pep band performances and spent an awkward weekend at the hospital with the former best friend (who lied to me at the time about the two of them dating, one of the many I was to find out much later that she told) and his family (who were convinced I was there because I was madly in love and going to cause a scene with the ex-bf, and so therefore they treated me like shit). I have loaned large amounts of money, bought dinners, bought groceries, and gave up large amounts of my time. I know, sometimes, that I'm very much oversharing in the relationship. But it's a part of myself I can't help. When I care about someone, (don't mistake me, I'm not talking about casual friendships here, but those who I feel really close to, that I feel comfortable enough to share my secrets with) I tend to be this way. Like I said, I spoil my friends. Sometimes I wish I got more in return for what I give. Like now.

Yes, I'm a little bit resentful. I half wonder if I had been his lady if I would have gotten a courtesy call, but I didn't because I'm only his friend. I worry that something did happen, either to his father or himself. I'm afraid I'm being small and petty by being hurt by this. I'm also wondering if how I'm feeling is because I still love him, or just the righteous indignation of a close friend who feels like she's gotten the brush off? I just don't know. I keep thinking of all the things I've done for him, all the things I've given up or dropped to be there when he needed me, and the fact that he can't pick up the goddamn phone to let me know something came up bothers the fucking hell out of me. I know the hurt is part of what's kept me up all night. I know the worry is another part of it. Both of which have led me to dust of this old journal and writing down my convoluted thought patterns, hoping to make a little bit of sense of it all. Hoping that if I wrote it all down, got it all out, I could understand my own thought pattern a bit more. Reading back over this, I don't think I understand it better, but I think I feel better for having gotten it out, written it down. Even though he'll never see this, I feel better for having aired my thoughts about it. Maybe now I can sleep, perchance to dream.

wipes the dust off the old updater

2008-01-13T08:31:02Z

Yeah, kids, it's once that time again, for my semi-six monthly update....or more.... I can't honestly recall the last time I've updated this thing. Sad, isn't it?

Sometimes I forget I have it. Sometimes I really just don't have anything to say that doesn't come off like whining. There have been a few times that I've written whole paragraphs, and then deleted them, and navigated away from the page, simply because I wasn't happy with whatever I wrote.

So, what have I been doing with my life since then? Well, let's see. Almost have my car paid off. That makes me happy. This month is the last payment. I have 3 classes (counting the one I'm in now) to finishing up my masters' degree. That makes me VERY happy...I'm really, REALLY tired of school. I've renewed my addiction to World of Warcraft....I spent pretty much all of my Christmas vacation playing. *lol* Work/school is going okay...we've just really started back. We missed the first two days we were supposed to be back because of snow. Had almost four inches...then it turned right back around and was like spring for 2 days - temps in the 70's. Craziness. Gotta love global warming. Been in the 50's last week or so, and now they're giving chance of snow/ice stuff Monday and Tuesday. *shrug* Welcome to wintertime in the South.

Let's see...on the relationship front - nothing going on there. Thought there was for awhile, but that fizzled and died a sad little death. *sigh* Almost decided to give up on the idea of a relationship for awhile. When all you get flirting with you are married men, you really just need to take a step back. I have no interest in adultery. If I can't be the only woman that man needs, then I don't need that man. Plain and simple. But being alone does suck. :(

On the friendship front...had both big blowups and then reconciliations with friends....but it always seems that after a big break in trust, you never get to be that good of friends again. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it doesn't work that way for other people. Maybe other people are better souls than me, who can literally forgive and forget, and just take people that hurt them back with open arms. Unfortunately, I'm not that cool. I can forgive, to a point, but I'm just small, or maybe petty, enough to not really forget. The importance I give the event can fade over time, but it's still there, like a scar. When you first get it, it's raw and red, and still hurts when you poke it or move a certain way. After time goes by, tho, it hurts less, it's less noticeable. Yet, it's still there. Sometimes, the scars are small, and they fade almost into nothingness. Other times, they never really fade into invisibility. They're all too easy to see, even if time has faded the edges.

Anyhow, it's really freakin' late, so I'm gonna stop here. Hopefully it won't be months and months before I update again. Actually, I take that back. I'm going to make it my new goal to update at least once a month. I'm spending enough time on the computer nowadays that this should be fairly easy to keep. *crosses fingers and toes* Anyhow, take it easy, dear Readers. Blessed be.

Weekly update

2007-09-28T16:07:00Z

Okay, so it's been about a week since I've updated...figure it's about time.
So, what's been going on in the world of me? The answer is, I'm busier than a one legged man in an butt kicking contest. Who's behind and trying to catch up.

Helping coach the middle school academic team. Which is a hoot, but means I don't get home from work until almost 6 in the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also got suckered into helping with an after school program for gifted kids at the elementary schools, so for about the next 4 Wednesdays, I'm at one of those two schools for an hour or so after school. Again, not getting home till almost six. On some Fridays, I have football games, so the band has to be there. When I have one of those, I don't go home before the game. (since I have a 40 minute commute, there's really no point in going home..I'd just have to turn around and come back pretty much as soon as I got there) so by the time the game is over, and stuff is put away, and the kids have been picked up, it's 10 before I can leave, and almost 11 before I get home. Thankfully, this week I don't have a ballgame. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend at home.

Oh, and have I mentioned my master's classes? Most nights I'm either reading or doing homework for my class, which can take anywhere from an hour to three or four hours. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time! LOL

Other than that, my life's pretty boring. Not much happening on the guy front...there's this guy that I think could be interested, but I'm not sure. Kinda playin' a wait and see game there. There's another guy that I'm into, but I'm not sure he sees me that way, you know? Plus, he's in the middle of a bad breakup with one of my former friends (that's a story, there, have to tell that one another day) and even if he is interested, it's probably not the best time. Oh well.

Okay, that's enough for now, peeps. Hope everybody has a great weekend!!

Oh, and by the way....

2007-09-16T23:55:22Z

UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY BEAT LOUISVILLE!!!! Yeah, I know, it's a small thing to be so excited about, but they haven't beaten UL since 2002, and haven't beaten a top 10 team since, I think, 1977. GO UK!!! ;-) That is all....

Gotta love technology.....not!

2007-09-16T23:25:21Z

So, for some reason, my laptop has decided it hates me. Cuz, it's awful amazing that I can get on any other computer in the house, and the internet works just fine. I get on my laptop, and I struggle to stay online for longer than 15 minutes before zilch kicks in. Funny thing is, the little icon thingy that's supposed to tell me if I'm connected, is telling me that I'm connected, but yet no web pages will open, none of my messenger programs will open, etc. Frustrating, it is. Spent an hour on the phone with my router people, so we ruled that out as the problem. So, long story short, something software-y within the laptop is screwing with my connection. I'd just be damned if I knew what it was. :( *sigh* Sadly enough, none of my tech-y friends can figure it out, either. Damnit. Which means I get to spend money taking it to a repair place. Gah.

When it rains, it pours, huh?

I'm baaaaack........

2007-09-12T02:18:05Z

So, yeah, I finally remember where my livejournal was at....*sheepish grin* I've just had a crap load of stuff going on, and updating my lj just hasn't been in the top 10, more's the pity. So much crap that I'm not really sure where to start as far as updating this journal. Sheesh.
Here's the highlights, so far:

1. Still back teaching at the place I was before, now I'll actually have a full year in.
2. Been doing some travelling. Actually in Tx right now, but flying back to good ole Kentucky tommorow morning. (yeah, really glad I'm not flying back today. Call me superstitious, what?)
3. Been working really hard to find a balance in my life between spiritual studies and the "real world"...if that makes sense to anybody.
4. Also been working my ass off on my graduate classes...I'm so sick of school. *sigh*
5. Had lots of "friend" drama that I really wish I didn't have to deal with....friends that are dating that break up and leave me stuck in the middle freakin' SUCKS. *nod*

I'm sure there's more stuff that's happened, but those are some of the biggies. And it is my ferverent wish that I can get off my lazy ass long enough to update this journal more frequently than I have been. I miss it. :(

Oh, and btw...*hugs fer all my peeps who still read this lj from time to time* :D

Meme.....

2007-01-13T17:52:21Z

Survey for adults...that I borrowed from Elf-Biter. (Who got it from polymexina)

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance...hands down....

2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Depends on who you are with. (I agree with this)

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Can't really remember....it's been long and long.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Uh, never?

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Candy Coleman. *yes, that really was her first name*

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Not going to work?

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A rock star. ;-)

8. How many colleges did you attend?
One for undergrad, going to another now for master's degree

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Cuz, it's what I slept in?

10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
Gah!! Stupid oil companies....

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you... where and who?
Somewhere exotic and warm....and all my good friends. :D

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Didn't have to get up to the alarm this morning, thank the gods.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"So tired...."

14. Favorite style of underwear?
Bikins.

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Never mind the underwear, whoever is inside is more important. (Agree with this too)

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Cleaning out the litter boxes.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
Prolly not...working with whiney artists would piss me off.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in, hands down.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Scooby Doo. :D

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
Having a conversation about something that interests us both.

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
Who doesn't?

22. When did you first start feeling old?
When my oldest nephew turned 15.

23. Favorite 80's movies?
Short Circut.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Chicken.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
Food?

26. Beach or lake?
Either. I love water.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
Not necessarily...but I don't think marriage is for everyone.

28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
Nobody...I'm not built that way.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Bubble baths and a good book.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Exit to Eden....LOVE that movie.

31. What's your drink?
Whatever I happen to be drinking at the time?

32. Cowboys or Indians?
I am part indian, so guess I'll go with that. ;-)

33. Cops or Robbers?
Never played that one....

38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
My friend Karmelah...

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Don't. Using the mp3 player at present.

42. Norm or Cliff?
Neither...I liked either Woody or Frasier. :D

43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
I've watched both.

44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Being catty.

45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Since that changes every day, and I like most everybody I work with, sure.

46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
killin's too easy...torture is more fun. ;-)

47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
So many hotties, so little time....

48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
See #47. ;-)

49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No...but why else would you use one?????

50. Last book you read?
Chill Factor by Sandra Brown

51. Do you have a teddy bear?
Not anymore....

52. Strangest place you have ever had sex?
Depends on your definition of strange. (Agree wholeheartedly)

53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Since I've never been at all.....Hollywood, baby!

54. Number of texts in a day?
Varies.

55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
Yes to both?

56. Do you go to church?
No.

57. Pencil or pen?
Whichever is handy.

58. bueller??? bueller???
Heh....good movie.

Lazy days....

2007-01-03T16:39:24Z

Well, I'd said I would write an update about some stuff in my life, but everytime I start to write something, the words dry up. *shrug* Guess my subconcious doesn't think my life is that interesting. *L* Anyways, not a lot going on. Still working at the department store. Still taking classes online, though we had a two week holiday break with I am EXTREMELY thankful for.

Not much else going on at the moment. Want to wish Tanukitsune a happy birthday! I don't have any cool gifts to give you like Jokermage, but I can give you *BIG HUGS* and all that jazz. *cuz I'm poor, ya know*

Things with Matt seem to still be going well. He just got back from Greece (the lucky devil) and was telling me aaaaallll about the "beautiful women" there. So, I asked him, did I have a reason to be jealous? To which he replied, "Nothing to be jealous, no more than any other decoration. If you think you are just for decoration, then be jealous. I would assume there's more to you than decoration." Yeah, that made me smile. I'll admit it, I'm a total girl.

Well, that's about all for the moment....when I actually think of something worthwhile to say, I'll say it. Take care, gang, and hopefully it won't be a month before my next post. ;-)

It's that time again....

2006-12-31T15:50:39Z

...to get off my ass and update this journal. Had a wonderful Christmas, as I hope all of you did. You know you're getting older, however, when you have more fun watching your nephews (or children, if you have them) open their presents than you do opening your own. Yet, a fun time was still had by all.

Now the new year is almost upon us, and everybody's mind starts turning toward resolutions; things we resolve to change about ourselves in the coming year, but most of the time we don't. Now, there might be some of you out there who do, in fact, keep said resolutions. If so, brava to you. Wish I'd have had your fortitude. For alas, I'm in that silent majority of those who keep the resolutions for about a month (if I'm lucky) before I revert back to my pre-resolution days. However, it wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without resolutions, so, in the spirit of the holidays, here's my list of resolutions. (I might actually keep some of them...wouldn't that be a miracle!)

1. Try to update my journal at least once a month, instead of once every six months.

2. Try to keep in better contact with my friends across the states. Just because they don't live close to me doesn't mean that I can't reach out. That's what phones are for.

3. Try to make better food choices, and incorporate more exercise into my daily life. *notice, I didn't say, "lose weight and exercise"....I know better*

4. Try to laugh, at least once, everyday.

5. Try to tell the people that I love that I love them, as often as I can, so there's never any question of how I feel about them.

6. Try to love myself and accept who I am. . .because if I can't, then how can I expect anyone else to do the same?

7. Try to create more balance within myself and my life.

8. Try to renew my spiritual studies, and reconnect with that part of myself.

9. Try to find delight in the little things in life, without letting the bad things completely bog me down.

10. Try to allow myself to be happy, without thinking of the repercussions.

Anyways, there's other things I could be posting about, but I feel that ending here seems to be a better fit. Hope all of you out there have a fun and safe New Year's Eve, and that the coming year is a great one. Happy New Year's!

Random stuff...

2006-12-06T17:49:26Z

You scored as .

</td>

Biting

92%

Blind Folds

92%

Chains/Handcuffs

67%

Whips

50%

Bondage

50%

Blood

17%

What's Your Kinky Turn On?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.

</td>

Mermaid

92%

Angel

75%

Dragon

59%

Faerie

50%

WereWolf

42%

Demon

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Eyes full of Pain. People tend to overlook you, which makes you feel less worthy of their attentions. You sometimes wish you could just disapear from the world around you. You have been hurt very badly in the past and you just wish that someone would understand you, and what their cruelty is doing to you.

</td>

Eyes full of Pain

92%

Mysterious

75%

Diamond Eyes

50%

Passion

25%

What do your eyes reveal about you?(PICS!)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

</td>

Sex God

78%

A Slave To BDSM

75%

A Romantic

65%

Virgin

48%

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

Yeah, you can tell where my mind is today....Heh....

Crawling out of the abyss I fell into....

2006-12-05T05:51:57Z

...ugh. That seems to be my only coherent thought nowadays. I go to work, come home, do some homework, go to bed, wake up, talk to Matt (I'll explain who he is in a minute), get ready for work, got to work, etc, etc. Some days I feel like I'm on the merry-go-round from hell. *L* Especially with working at a department store during the holidays. Today, business was thankfully light. . .all last weekend we were busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Personally, I can handle the bustle, but what gets on my nerves are when I keep having to stop what I'm doing, and go help one of the other dipshit cashiers do something they should already know how to do, or to fix a mistake. I'm not their boss. I don't get paid more than they do. Hell, the managers even have me training people now. Guess that means I know what I'm doing. But it frustrates me, because while I get tired of the monotony.

Anyhow, let me talk about something that makes me smile - Matt. *soft smile* See what I mean? Yeah, new feller, sorta. We've been talking for about a month now. Almost everyday. He bought me an Ipod shuffle. Why? Just because I didn't have one. *grin* Downside? He's in Kuwait right now. :( Upside? Will be back stateside in April...just have to wait that long. *sigh* He's traveled all over the world...is wanting to take me anywhere I want to go, if I have my passport by April. He's smart, he's funny, he's HAWT....yet, I still keep looking for flaws. There has to be a big one. I'm too cynical to just hope anymore. I still keep waiting for the bottom to drop out, the other shoe to fall; pick your metaphor, here, hey? But I'm half-besotted despite myself. Don't know what's going to happen there, but I'm "cautiously optimistic". For lack of a better term, I guess.

Still having issues with a certain Aussie friend, who has apparently decided he doesn't need his friends anymore. I'm about to the point to say, fine, whatever, you do what you like. It hurts, but I have to draw the line and stop caring somewhere. 'Course, I lie to myself; I do care. It hurts that he's shut me out, when I haven't done anything wrong. I've tried to tell him, the few times I've actually spoken to him, how that makes me feel....don't think I've actually talked to him for almost two months, now. Apparently, whatever I had to say didn't matter. Or our friendship isn't as important to him as his new relationship. Is that unfair? Maybe. Petty? Probably. Now, keep in mind, I have plenty of reason to hate his new girl, that I won't get into here. Yet, I don't. I don't hate her, nor do I wish her ill, or any of that crap. However, I can be honest enough with myself to admit that I resent her, simply because her introduction into his life has, for whatever reason, cast me out. I desperately miss my friend, and I'm sad. I'm afraid I may never speak to or see him again, and that almost breaks my heart. Everytime I think about not seeing him again, or not talking to my friend again, I cry. Hell, I'm tearing up now. While it might not be that romantic, I'm-madly-in-love-with-you love, it's love all the same. And my heart breaks with it.

Arg, new topic while I dry my face; I tend to want to avoid the stuff that makes me leak. As far as the master's degree goes, I'm heading into week five of my second six week course, and so far, all's well. Got my stuff for financial aid today, so that's good. It's nicely ironic that I'm happy about going about 18,000 deeper in the hole. *L* But the classes seem to be going well, and I'm happy about that...I was afraid that with working the odd schedule, and working damn near everyday, that homework and class participation would be a problem, but so far, so good.

In other news, had a scare last night. My brother called me at work, which should have tipped me off that something had happened. Told me that my parents were on their way to the hospital, because they thought Mom might have had/be having a heart attack. Spending my evening in the hospital is NOT my idea of a good time, but they wanted to admit her, because she had all the classic symptoms of heart attack - chest pain down the arm, sweating, clammy skin, and one symptom I'd never heard of - violent nausea/vomiting. I'd never heard of that one, but apparently it's a big one. So, loyal readers, keep that one in mind. Thankfully, tho, her bloodwork and the echocardiograms they gave her came back clean, but she has to go in the morning and do a stress test, and see her regular doctor on Friday. They don't think it was a heart attack, but the stress test will make sure it might not be something else that just mimicked the symptoms.

Anyhow, that's enough of a rambling post for now, I think....I'm taking my tired ass to bed....so I can get up, talk to Matt, go to work, come home, do homework....eh, you know where I'm going with this. ;-)

Random Meme goodness...

2006-11-17T05:01:16Z

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

This didn't tell me anything I didn't know...

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.
Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.
And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others.
Your caring personality really shines through.
Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out.
But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

How's Your Karma?

Random thoughts at 2 am...(Breathe)

2006-11-15T07:34:27Z

"Two AM and I'm still awake, writing. . ." this journal....Ha, sorry, I couldn't resist the song reference. So, it's after 2 am, and I'm awake. Not for lack of trying, tho. Figured, ah hell, if I can't sleep, might as well get off my lazy ass and update my journal. Though, to be perfectly honest, it's not really laziness that keeps me from updating more regularly. For a good spell of time there, the only time I was online was to work on homework. Which brings up one good thing - I passed my first class in my Master's program with an A. Whoo! Go me!! *throws confetti* Now, if I can keep up the good work in my next class, that'll be peachy.

Also, I've met someone. I don't know exactly what he will be to me yet, but he intrigues me, and I enjoy talking to him. Tho, it's an online thing at the moment, (since he's currently in a foreign country, but an American citizen) he'll be back stateside in April, if not sooner. He travels a lot...planning a trip to India in January. Wants to bring me back something cool. Said I couldn't ask for a sitar because that'd be too hard to ship. *L* Darn! I'm still trying to think of something cool that he could send me. Speaking of him buying me things, he bought me an Ipod shuffle. (Yeah, he makes waaaay more money than I do, that spending 100.00 isn't a big deal) I am incredibly spoiled already. :D The really incredible part is that he bought it so that he can send me music files, also saying, "Every musician should have one." Yup, he's a musican, too. Plays mandolin, guitar, banjo, piano. Almost everything I can't. *L* He tells me he's not very good, but I'm sure he's just being modest. He collects guitars - he found a Fender yesterday and bought it, since he was "itching" to play. Yeah, I like this boy. ^_^ Tho, I still catch myself thinking, "What in the world is somebody this hot doing talking to somebody like me??" Yeah, he's hot. Self esteem problems, who, me??

This time of year always makes me a bit introspective; I find myself thinking back on the year, what I've done, where I've been, how my life has changed. If you had told me this time last year that I'd be working back at Magic Mart, and living at home, I'd have looked at you funny and walked away quickly. Yet, here I am. I think I've finally made my peace with it. Goddess knows I'm a helluva lot happier here, because that last year at Breathitt was damn near intolerable. It's taken me awhile to get back comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. I'm sure it's been an adjustment for my family, too, having me living back home again. But we're managing, and so far, so good.

I also put in for another teaching job. A school in a neighboring county (about 30 miles away) had their director resign last month, so they're looking for a replacement for the rest of this year and next year too. I put in my application, and the job posting closes this week, so hopefully I'll get called for an interview next week. I've discovered I miss teaching. Plus, there's the whole way more money and actual health insurance thing. But I do - I miss teaching. After how last year ended, I wasn't sure if I wanted to teach again. I was seriously close to burn out. But now that I've had a bit of a breather, I think I want to again. I think I'm ready. Of course, it's not in my hands, so if it's not meant to be right now, I'll be okay with that. I'm finally starting to learn that things really do happen for a reason. I mean, I've said it for years, but this is the first time I've really seen that saying apply to my own life. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Eh, well, I don't mind the growing up part so much as I mind the growing out. ;-)

My only real complaint in life is that I sometimes feel isolated - I don't talk to my friends much, and that's an irritant. I mean, if these people are supposed to be my friends, why can't they pick up a phone, or come visit??? (For those I chat with online on a regular basis, please know this isn't directed at you.) Lord & Lady knows I've spent my time doing both for them. It bugs me that I feel like I'm always the one doing the calling, or the visiting. And it's not like I live in the boonies anymore. There's actually stuff to do here, unlike my prior residence. I mean, friendship is supposed to be a two-way street, right? So why am I feeling like I'm stuck in the one-way only lane???

Anyways, I'm still trying to find my path....I spent a lot of time floundering, and just kind of passively letting events move me. I'm trying to do better. I'm actively trying to find my direction in life, without getting bogged down. For once, I'm trying not to be in a hurry, expecting things to happen, like, yesterday. For now, I'm content to let things unfold as they will, while still taking an active role in my own life. And for now, it's enough.

Random Meme goodness...and other stuff...

2006-11-06T05:52:26Z

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The South
The West
Philadelphia
The Inland North
The Northeast
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Lisa was
a Mean Rock Star
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

Heh, good times, good times. So, it's again been forever and a day since I've posted. *sigh* What can I say, life keeps getting in the way. Of course, my life isn't all that exciting anyways...you all aren't missing much. *LOL* I'm still working at teh department store, and I'm finishing up my first master's class. I'm actually procastinating on my final paper right now. ;-) I'll get it finished before it's done, but I just hit a wall right now and wanted to get away. So, I decided I'd get off my lazy ass and update this journal. :D Aren't you all so lucky? Oh, there is one other thing to mention. I've put in an application for another teaching job...we'll have to see how that goes, but I'm hopeful. I'm really not wanting to work at a department store during the holidays. Ugh. That's about the only polite thing I can say about it.

Anyways, enough for now, I'm headed for bed. I have to get up early and go move stuff outta my smaller storage unit, and put it in my bigger one. *sigh* Oh, joy in the mornin'!! *L*

Funny stuff...

2006-10-13T16:11:06Z

Okay, so I haven't really had a whole lot to say here in the past, but I have the most hilarious story from work, that I just had to share.

Okay, so lemme 'splain a bit about my job. I'm a cashier at a small department store in my hometown. Now, I don't always run a register, but that's the bulk of my job. On Tuesday evening, I was running a register, and things were going fine. It was a bit slow, so my fellow cashiers and I were talking between customers. About an hour or so before closing, I had a customer come through my line we'll call "Money Woman". *that's what the girls at work dubbed her, anyhow* This was a rather large woman, wearing a tank top and shorts. She had quite a bit of stuff in her cart, and I rang it all up. When I hit the button the keyboard to tell her the final total, she had cash in hand. (I didn't see where she'd pulled it from) Her total included twenty five cents in change. After she handed me the cash money, she said, "No, wait, I've got some change." So, I expected her to reach into her pants pocket. But I was wrong. She reached INTO HER SHIRT (around the vicinity of her bra strap/uppper breast and pulls out A HANDFUL OF CHANGE. Not just a few solitary coins, I'm talking, PALMFUL OF CHANGE. So, she plucks a quarter out of the coinage, and hands it to me. It was WARM. I manage to keep a straight face, and got the money in the drawer, and she talks to me for a minute, making a remark about the fact that she keeps her money in her bra, so that her "old man couldn't get ahold of it". I'm really struggling here, but I laugh politely and wait until she leaves before I run for the hand sanitizer and let out my giggles.

I told my fellow cashiers that while I'd heard of some women keeping cash in their bra (or bra strap) I'd NEVER heard of one keeping CHANGE in there. My thought was, what the hell?? Did she have it stuck to her skin??? (it felt that way, since it was so warm) And how the hell did she keep that much change from falling down into the cups of her bra??? (since I just know if I tried that, that's exactly where it would have went)

Needless to say, my work buddies and I had quite the laughing exchange over exactly WHERE she kept the rest of her money.

Wow, it's been awhile....

2006-10-10T03:51:58Z

Okay, so it's been like, forever and a day since I've updated this journal.. Lots of stuff has happened. I got a job, working at a department store here at home. I work all the time, which is part of the reason I've not been around much. I've also started school, I'm entering my third week of my first class, and doing pretty good so far. I've been getting into a routine here at home and at work. I've started making some friends at work, which is good. Not really doing much after work, but I work nights. I get home between nine and nine thirty, depends on how quickly I get to count down my till. It like work pretty well. Sometimes it gets boring, but most of the people I work with are pretty cool, so that helps. The pay isn't great, but it isn't awful, either.

Hmm, let's see, what else has been going on?? Well, not two weeks ago, I got in an accident...I'm fine, but my car got banged up some. :( That part really sucks...I've gotten the check from the insurance agency, but I haven't gotten it fixed yet. Waiting for the garage to get the parts in. If you knew just how attached I was to my car, you'd understand how traumatic that experience has been for me!

Uhh...let's see....I think that's all the major stuff. My life is so boring. *LOL*

It's been a while...

2006-09-12T03:36:54Z

....since I've gotten off my ass and updated this journal. A bunch has happened...some of I'm not really ready to talk about, and some of it just mundane crap. On the plus side, I found a new job, and have worked four days now. It's going pretty well - I like most of the people I work with, altho there is one guy that I can tell is going to work my nerves like nothing else. But, as I told a friend of mine tonight, I'm trying to refrain violence, as I'm sure my new employers would frown on bloodshed in the workplace. :D

As for other things - I've kinda been withdrawing away from people....I don't know if it's just because I've been busy with the new job, or if it's just because I've still been dealing with the fallout of the depression and some other crap that's been going on in my life. I'm still very upset about a situation that's developed with one of my closest friends in the world. We're not really speaking right now, and that upsets me more than I can say. So I'm doing a whole lot of not thinking about it, my favored way of dealing with crap I don't want to deal with. The other thing that bothers me is that another dear friend, a sister, really, is stuck in the middle between us. That is something I never wanted, and if I could go back in time and change what happened, I would. *sigh* I just don't know what to do about that situation, and we've just not talked. Part of that, I guess, is my fault, but I think part of the blame should fall on him, too. It takes two to have a relationship, and I get tired of always being the one to reach out, to make contact. Why can't some of my friends reach out to me once in awhile???

Here lately I've been dealing with so much of my own personal misery...wallowing, I guess you could say. Yet I've always tried to be there for my friends, because I care about them. I want the people I care about to be happy. But I'm tired of (some) of my friends never being there for my emotional crap. Maybe part of that is my fault, because I'm not a big one to just spill my guts about stuff. *except, most notably, for this journal* I guess I just expect my friends to be able to read my mind, and know when something's wrong.

Anyhow, I didn't start this entry to be just a straight bitch/whine. There's good things too. The depression meds I'm on have started to make a difference, in how I feel and in how I act. Which I'm grateful for. The blood sugar stuff is starting to get under control, which makes me smile. I'm getting stuff together for going back to school, with a tentative start date of the 26th of this month. I'm both excited and nervous about that, but I finally feel like I'm taking control of my destiny again. For four months all I did was drift - I didn't really look for a job, I wasn't really looking into the school thing, all I wanted to do was sleep. The hip injury didn't help matters, but I realize now that depression was my biggest problem. Now that the meds are taking care of that, I feel better than I have in a long time. Even tho I'm just working a 9-5 job, just having a job makes me feel better, like I'm less of a loser. Does that make sense?? I went from teaching high school to waiting on customers in a department store, and I'm happy about this??? But yeah, I am. And I'm happy about going back to school. So, I'm cautiously optimistic about the future.

Warning...Poetry ahead....

2006-08-23T06:48:31Z

The Edge

Chaos reigns supreme in my head,
as I struggle to maintain the
balance
within my soul.

So many changes
in such a short time
have brought me to this
sorry state.

In my mind's eye,
looms a precipice;
dark, jagged,
with depths unknown
in wait for the slightest misstep.

I stand at this cliff,
unable to step back,
yet leaning ever closer
to the edge.

Screams echo off the boundaries
of my skull
silent and unheard,
as silver tears trace
lines of sorrow ever
downward.

Storm clouds rage and
boil, as lightning
sears across the
heavenly firmament
of my mind.

Closer now, I look downward
into madness and despair.
Shaking, I cringe away
from the ledge, desperate
to escape my own anguish
and fears.

Sobbing now, I claw my way
back from that tempting precipice -
with each step the storm clouds
recede
'til I am left
shuddering and shaking,
in the light once more.

In balance, however tenuous,
once more.

Random Quiz Goodness....part five...

2006-08-20T04:20:51Z

Your Taste in Music:

90's Pop: Highest Influence
Adult Alternative: High Influence
80's Rock: Medium Influence
90's Alternative: Medium Influence
90's Rock: Medium Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

You Are 24% Obsessive

You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control.
Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.

How Obsessive Are You?

This one is SOOO not right....I can be quite scary when the occasion calls for it... ;-)

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

And one more....

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Ecstacy

Exotic Dancer Name Generator

sigh

2006-08-11T04:34:55Z

I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. Ever just have those days where you don't feel like you're worth anything, and you can't do anything right? Or worse yet, that you're just a fuckup of monumental proportions?? That's been me the last little bit. I just need to get over myself, I guess - but I'm sick of my life, and I don't know what I want to do, or where to go, or anything. And I'm whining. I HATE whining, yet that's what I find myself doing. Dammit. Maybe I just need to be beaten with teh "quit-yer-bitchin'" stick. (patent pending) Yeah. That would cure all my ills. *sigh*

I know I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but I just want out of my life. No, no, I'm not talking suicide...I'm not THAT depressed. I just want things to be better than they are, but right now I'm too apathetic to do anything about it. Am I totally emo, or what??? Jesus.

Okay, enough whining and bitching...I'm going to do something constructive...like go to bed....

Gah....

2006-08-10T03:01:25Z

Girl Next Door - Saving Jane

Small town homecoming queen
She’s a star in this scene
There’s no way to deny she’s lovely
Perfect skin, perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she’s ugly

Maybe I’m just jealous-I can’t help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen, I’m in the marching band
She is a cheerleader, I’m sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk, I’m sleeping on the floor
She’s Miss America
And I’m just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutante
Everything that you want
Never too harsh or too demanding

Maybe I’ll admit it, I’m a little bitter
Everybody loves her, but I just wanna hit her…

Chorus

I don’t know why I’m feeling sorry for myself
Spend all my time wishing that I was someone else

Chorus
I get a little bit, she gets a little more
She’s Miss America
And I’m just the girl next door

This song hits closer to home than I'd like to admit....That or I'm just in a depressed/pissy mood tonight. The Kelly Clarkson "Because of You" is running a close second in matching my mood. *sigh*

Random Meme goodness...

2006-07-30T04:10:30Z

Here's some random stuff I found...

Your Rising Sign is Libra

A total charmer, it's hard for people to say no to you.
Irresistable and attractive, you have no shortage of love interests.

Totally competitive, you tend to thrive in stressful enviroments.
A peaceful soul, you avoid conflict at almost all costs.

Sometimes you try too hard to please those around you.
But you have a great inner strength that helps you bounce back easily.

What's Your Rising Sign?

You Are An Apple Tree

You are quiet and shy at times, but you have lots of charm and appeal.
You are quite attractive: your pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, and adventurous spirit draw people in.
Sensitive and loyal in love, you want to love and be loved.
You are a faithful and tender partner - who is generous in sharing your many talents.
You love children, and you need an affectionate partner.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

Overindulgences.....

2006-07-29T20:22:42Z

Okay, so we got sloshed last night. I mean, REEEEALLY sloshed. Woof. The thing that got me the worst, was this thing Josh introduced us to called a Flaming Dr. Pepper. Basically, beer in one glass, with a shot glass of Amaretto that's topped with 151. The 151 is lit, and you drop the shot into the glass, and chug the whole thing. Supposedly it tastes like a Dr. Pepper, but the only time it ever tasted like anything other than beer was at the very end. The boys laughed at me and told me I didn't drink it fast enough. *rolling eyes* Could just be too that I don't like beer as much as they do. After the first one, I thought I was going to lose it, but managed to keep everything down. By the time I had my second one, I was gone enough to almost set my finger on fire. Cedric was kind enough to put it out for me while I kept on drinking. *LOL* After that, I was pretty done. We were all pretty toasted, and it was very obvious. *LOL* But I have to admit, when Cedric and I went out to spin flags drunk, I did much better than I thought I would have. I managed to toss it, and not knock myself unconcious. I impressed Cedric with my flag spinning skills, which is really cool since he can whip my ass with his talent and he's marched guard with drum corps. So I'll have to show him what I can do when I'm sober.

Anyhow, I was surprised that I am not suffering from a hangover, because I'm fine. A bit dehydrated, but not achy, nor sick, or any of the other hangover symptoms. Makes me smile. Don't know if I'm going to repeat that little experience any time soon, but it was definitely an experience.

jesirah_angel @ 2006-07-24T20:44:00

2006-07-25T00:48:32Z

Well, the first day of camp is over, and I think things went pretty well. Except for the sunburn. I should have known better, to forget to put on sunscreen!! How long have I been doing this now? I feel stupid for making such a greenhorn mistake. Oh well. But, overall things are going well, and hopefully the sunburn will fade soon. *crossing fingers*

Oh, and by the way....if ANY "this one time, at band camp.." jokes are posted here, the postee will DIE. End of discussion. Do not pass go, you will collect an ass whoopin'. *nod*

EDIT----> Saw this on a few of my peep's pages, had a to try it. :D

If You Ruled the Land . . . by wackyweasel

Your first name:

How you gained your rule:

Your title is:

Great and Merciful Ruler of All the Land

Your symbol is:

a red dragon - fiery and hot, like you!

You rule from:

a floating castle - ABOVE A VOLCANO!!

At your side is:

your royal mirror-carrier and makeup crew

Your enforcers, troops, and guards are all:

veeeery heavily armed

Your most popular law is:

Jell-O is a vegetable

Your least popular law is:

Electro-shock collars for stupid people

Your worst enemy is:

your court jester's awful nun joke

Your popularity rating is:: 41%

Your chance of being overthrown is:: 25%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

It's ALIIIIVE!!!

2006-07-24T05:06:45Z

Yes, faithful readers, I do, in fact, live. I have been having internet problems with my router and junk, so my computer has been not online, and so I haven't been able to update this journal in over a week. Which is sad. But, as I'm currently out of town at the moment, updates won't be frequent here in the near future. I'm currently at MSB's house (for the uninitiated, that's Mixed Signal Boy), because it's his camp I'll be working at for the next two weeks. So, I'll be spending most of the next two weeks out in the hot sun. Feel sorry for me yet?? ;-)

Anyhow, I'll try to post some more later, but it just depends on how frequently I can steal, I mean, borrow the laptop. :D

Bent, but not Broken

In the god-forsaken heart of darkness....

*wipes the dust off the old updater*

Weekly update

Oh, and by the way....

Gotta love technology.....not!

I'm baaaaack........

Meme.....

Lazy days....

It's that time again....

Random stuff...

Crawling out of the abyss I fell into....

Random Meme goodness...

Random thoughts at 2 am...(Breathe)

Random Meme goodness...and other stuff...

Funny stuff...

Wow, it's been awhile....

It's been a while...

Warning...Poetry ahead....

Random Quiz Goodness....part five...

*sigh*

Gah....

Random Meme goodness...

Overindulgences.....

jesirah_angel @ 2006-07-24T20:44:00

It's ALIIIIVE!!!

wipes the dust off the old updater

sigh