Bent, but not Broken

For some reason, being awake at 5:30 in the morning (not when you purposefully awake at this time, but rather when you've been awake all night) is a terrible thing. It seems like the dark heart of night, the time when everything is slow and still, and the world doesn't exist beyond the lighted glare of the monitor in the dark. So, why am I still awake at o'dark thirty? Too much on my mind? Habitual late nights that have my sleeping pattern all fucked up? A bit of both, I think. And, as always, it seems the main object of my perturbation is a boy. There's been so much that's went on in the last six months or so since I've posted anything here - spring testing, spring concert (small disaster, that), ending of school (thank ALL that's holy), the beginning of summer break, a car wreck that I walked away from more or less unscathed (bumps, bruises, knotted muscles being the injuries sustained...can't say the same for the truck), the brief reunion with an old friend/crush (the one from Jackson, the would-be teacher), the equally quick loss of that person (due to work hours and the hilarious loss of a cell phone - trust me, the story of his loss of his phone is a doozy), turning the big 3-0 in a week, and then, again, back to the boy. The boy who is one of my best friends and closest confidants.

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Yeah, kids, it's once that time again, for my semi-six monthly update....or more.... I can't honestly recall the last time I've updated this thing. Sad, isn't it?

Sometimes I forget I have it. Sometimes I really just don't have anything to say that doesn't come off like whining. There have been a few times that I've written whole paragraphs, and then deleted them, and navigated away from the page, simply because I wasn't happy with whatever I wrote.

So, what have I been doing with my life since then? Well, let's see. Almost have my car paid off. That makes me happy. This month is the last payment. I have 3 classes (counting the one I'm in now) to finishing up my masters' degree. That makes me VERY happy...I'm really, REALLY tired of school. I've renewed my addiction to World of Warcraft....I spent pretty much all of my Christmas vacation playing. *lol* Work/school is going okay...we've just really started back. We missed the first two days we were supposed to be back because of snow. Had almost four inches...then it turned right back around and was like spring for 2 days - temps in the 70's. Craziness. Gotta love global warming. Been in the 50's last week or so, and now they're giving chance of snow/ice stuff Monday and Tuesday. *shrug* Welcome to wintertime in the South.

Let's see...on the relationship front - nothing going on there. Thought there was for awhile, but that fizzled and died a sad little death. *sigh* Almost decided to give up on the idea of a relationship for awhile. When all you get flirting with you are married men, you really just need to take a step back. I have no interest in adultery. If I can't be the only woman that man needs, then I don't need that man. Plain and simple. But being alone does suck. :(

On the friendship front...had both big blowups and then reconciliations with friends....but it always seems that after a big break in trust, you never get to be that good of friends again. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it doesn't work that way for other people. Maybe other people are better souls than me, who can literally forgive and forget, and just take people that hurt them back with open arms. Unfortunately, I'm not that cool. I can forgive, to a point, but I'm just small, or maybe petty, enough to not really forget. The importance I give the event can fade over time, but it's still there, like a scar. When you first get it, it's raw and red, and still hurts when you poke it or move a certain way. After time goes by, tho, it hurts less, it's less noticeable. Yet, it's still there. Sometimes, the scars are small, and they fade almost into nothingness. Other times, they never really fade into invisibility. They're all too easy to see, even if time has faded the edges.

Anyhow, it's really freakin' late, so I'm gonna stop here. Hopefully it won't be months and months before I update again. Actually, I take that back. I'm going to make it my new goal to update at least once a month. I'm spending enough time on the computer nowadays that this should be fairly easy to keep. *crosses fingers and toes* Anyhow, take it easy, dear Readers. Blessed be.

Okay, so it's been about a week since I've updated...figure it's about time.
So, what's been going on in the world of me? The answer is, I'm busier than a one legged man in an butt kicking contest. Who's behind and trying to catch up.

Helping coach the middle school academic team. Which is a hoot, but means I don't get home from work until almost 6 in the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also got suckered into helping with an after school program for gifted kids at the elementary schools, so for about the next 4 Wednesdays, I'm at one of those two schools for an hour or so after school. Again, not getting home till almost six. On some Fridays, I have football games, so the band has to be there. When I have one of those, I don't go home before the game. (since I have a 40 minute commute, there's really no point in going home..I'd just have to turn around and come back pretty much as soon as I got there) so by the time the game is over, and stuff is put away, and the kids have been picked up, it's 10 before I can leave, and almost 11 before I get home. Thankfully, this week I don't have a ballgame. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend at home.

Oh, and have I mentioned my master's classes? Most nights I'm either reading or doing homework for my class, which can take anywhere from an hour to three or four hours. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time! LOL

Other than that, my life's pretty boring. Not much happening on the guy front...there's this guy that I think could be interested, but I'm not sure. Kinda playin' a wait and see game there. There's another guy that I'm into, but I'm not sure he sees me that way, you know? Plus, he's in the middle of a bad breakup with one of my former friends (that's a story, there, have to tell that one another day) and even if he is interested, it's probably not the best time. Oh well.

Okay, that's enough for now, peeps. Hope everybody has a great weekend!!

UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY BEAT LOUISVILLE!!!! Yeah, I know, it's a small thing to be so excited about, but they haven't beaten UL since 2002, and haven't beaten a top 10 team since, I think, 1977. GO UK!!! ;-) That is all....

So, for some reason, my laptop has decided it hates me. Cuz, it's awful amazing that I can get on any other computer in the house, and the internet works just fine. I get on my laptop, and I struggle to stay online for longer than 15 minutes before zilch kicks in. Funny thing is, the little icon thingy that's supposed to tell me if I'm connected, is telling me that I'm connected, but yet no web pages will open, none of my messenger programs will open, etc. Frustrating, it is. Spent an hour on the phone with my router people, so we ruled that out as the problem. So, long story short, something software-y within the laptop is screwing with my connection. I'd just be damned if I knew what it was. :( *sigh* Sadly enough, none of my tech-y friends can figure it out, either. Damnit. Which means I get to spend money taking it to a repair place. Gah.

When it rains, it pours, huh?

So, yeah, I finally remember where my livejournal was at....*sheepish grin* I've just had a crap load of stuff going on, and updating my lj just hasn't been in the top 10, more's the pity. So much crap that I'm not really sure where to start as far as updating this journal. Sheesh.
Here's the highlights, so far:

1. Still back teaching at the place I was before, now I'll actually have a full year in.
2. Been doing some travelling. Actually in Tx right now, but flying back to good ole Kentucky tommorow morning. (yeah, really glad I'm not flying back today. Call me superstitious, what?)
3. Been working really hard to find a balance in my life between spiritual studies and the "real world"...if that makes sense to anybody.
4. Also been working my ass off on my graduate classes...I'm so sick of school. *sigh*
5. Had lots of "friend" drama that I really wish I didn't have to deal with....friends that are dating that break up and leave me stuck in the middle freakin' SUCKS. *nod*

I'm sure there's more stuff that's happened, but those are some of the biggies. And it is my ferverent wish that I can get off my lazy ass long enough to update this journal more frequently than I have been. I miss it. :(

Oh, and btw...*hugs fer all my peeps who still read this lj from time to time* :D

Survey for adults...that I borrowed from Elf-Biter. (Who got it from polymexina)

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance...hands down....

2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Depends on who you are with. (I agree with this)

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Can't really remember....it's been long and long.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Uh, never?

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Candy Coleman. *yes, that really was her first name*

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Not going to work?

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A rock star. ;-)

8. How many colleges did you attend?
One for undergrad, going to another now for master's degree

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Cuz, it's what I slept in?

10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
Gah!! Stupid oil companies....

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you... where and who?
Somewhere exotic and warm....and all my good friends. :D

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Didn't have to get up to the alarm this morning, thank the gods.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"So tired...."

14. Favorite style of underwear?
Bikins.

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Never mind the underwear, whoever is inside is more important. (Agree with this too)

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Cleaning out the litter boxes.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
Prolly not...working with whiney artists would piss me off.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in, hands down.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Scooby Doo. :D

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
Having a conversation about something that interests us both.

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
Who doesn't?

22. When did you first start feeling old?
When my oldest nephew turned 15.

23. Favorite 80's movies?
Short Circut.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Chicken.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
Food?

26. Beach or lake?
Either. I love water.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
Not necessarily...but I don't think marriage is for everyone.


28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
Nobody...I'm not built that way.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Bubble baths and a good book.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Exit to Eden....LOVE that movie.

31. What's your drink?
Whatever I happen to be drinking at the time?

32. Cowboys or Indians?
I am part indian, so guess I'll go with that. ;-)

33. Cops or Robbers?
Never played that one....

38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
My friend Karmelah...

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Don't. Using the mp3 player at present.

42. Norm or Cliff?
Neither...I liked either Woody or Frasier. :D

43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
I've watched both.

44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Being catty.

45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Since that changes every day, and I like most everybody I work with, sure.

46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
killin's too easy...torture is more fun. ;-)

47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
So many hotties, so little time....

48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
See #47. ;-)

49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No...but why else would you use one?????

50. Last book you read?
Chill Factor by Sandra Brown

51. Do you have a teddy bear?
Not anymore....

52. Strangest place you have ever had sex?
Depends on your definition of strange. (Agree wholeheartedly)

53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Since I've never been at all.....Hollywood, baby!

54. Number of texts in a day?
Varies.

55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
Yes to both?

56. Do you go to church?
No.

57. Pencil or pen?
Whichever is handy.

58. bueller??? bueller???
Heh....good movie.

Well, I'd said I would write an update about some stuff in my life, but everytime I start to write something, the words dry up. *shrug* Guess my subconcious doesn't think my life is that interesting. *L* Anyways, not a lot going on. Still working at the department store. Still taking classes online, though we had a two week holiday break with I am EXTREMELY thankful for.

Not much else going on at the moment. Want to wish Tanukitsune a happy birthday! I don't have any cool gifts to give you like Jokermage, but I can give you *BIG HUGS* and all that jazz. *cuz I'm poor, ya know*

Things with Matt seem to still be going well. He just got back from Greece (the lucky devil) and was telling me aaaaallll about the "beautiful women" there. So, I asked him, did I have a reason to be jealous? To which he replied, "Nothing to be jealous, no more than any other decoration. If you think you are just for decoration, then be jealous. I would assume there's more to you than decoration." Yeah, that made me smile. I'll admit it, I'm a total girl.

Well, that's about all for the moment....when I actually think of something worthwhile to say, I'll say it. Take care, gang, and hopefully it won't be a month before my next post. ;-)

...to get off my ass and update this journal. Had a wonderful Christmas, as I hope all of you did. You know you're getting older, however, when you have more fun watching your nephews (or children, if you have them) open their presents than you do opening your own. Yet, a fun time was still had by all.

Now the new year is almost upon us, and everybody's mind starts turning toward resolutions; things we resolve to change about ourselves in the coming year, but most of the time we don't. Now, there might be some of you out there who do, in fact, keep said resolutions. If so, brava to you. Wish I'd have had your fortitude. For alas, I'm in that silent majority of those who keep the resolutions for about a month (if I'm lucky) before I revert back to my pre-resolution days. However, it wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without resolutions, so, in the spirit of the holidays, here's my list of resolutions. (I might actually keep some of them...wouldn't that be a miracle!)

1. Try to update my journal at least once a month, instead of once every six months.

2. Try to keep in better contact with my friends across the states. Just because they don't live close to me doesn't mean that I can't reach out. That's what phones are for.

3. Try to make better food choices, and incorporate more exercise into my daily life. *notice, I didn't say, "lose weight and exercise"....I know better*

4. Try to laugh, at least once, everyday.

5. Try to tell the people that I love that I love them, as often as I can, so there's never any question of how I feel about them.

6. Try to love myself and accept who I am. . .because if I can't, then how can I expect anyone else to do the same?

7. Try to create more balance within myself and my life.

8. Try to renew my spiritual studies, and reconnect with that part of myself.

9. Try to find delight in the little things in life, without letting the bad things completely bog me down.

10. Try to allow myself to be happy, without thinking of the repercussions.

Anyways, there's other things I could be posting about, but I feel that ending here seems to be a better fit. Hope all of you out there have a fun and safe New Year's Eve, and that the coming year is a great one. Happy New Year's!

You scored as . </td> Biting 92% Blind Folds 92% Chains/Handcuffs 67% Whips 50% Bondage 50% Blood 17% What's Your Kinky Turn On? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid. </td> Mermaid 92% Angel 75% Dragon 59% Faerie 50% WereWolf 42% Demon 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Eyes full of Pain. People tend to overlook you, which makes you feel less worthy of their attentions. You sometimes wish you could just disapear from the world around you. You have been hurt very badly in the past and you just wish that someone would understand you, and what their cruelty is doing to you. </td> Eyes full of Pain 92% Mysterious 75% Diamond Eyes 50% Passion 25% What do your eyes reveal about you?(PICS!) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place. </td> Sex God 78% A Slave To BDSM 75% A Romantic 65% Virgin 48% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com

Yeah, you can tell where my mind is today....Heh....

...ugh. That seems to be my only coherent thought nowadays. I go to work, come home, do some homework, go to bed, wake up, talk to Matt (I'll explain who he is in a minute), get ready for work, got to work, etc, etc. Some days I feel like I'm on the merry-go-round from hell. *L* ( Warning! Rambling ahead! Read at your own risk! )
In other news, had a scare last night. My brother called me at work, which should have tipped me off that something had happened. Told me that my parents were on their way to the hospital, because they thought Mom might have had/be having a heart attack. Spending my evening in the hospital is NOT my idea of a good time, but they wanted to admit her, because she had all the classic symptoms of heart attack - chest pain down the arm, sweating, clammy skin, and one symptom I'd never heard of - violent nausea/vomiting. I'd never heard of that one, but apparently it's a big one. So, loyal readers, keep that one in mind. Thankfully, tho, her bloodwork and the echocardiograms they gave her came back clean, but she has to go in the morning and do a stress test, and see her regular doctor on Friday. They don't think it was a heart attack, but the stress test will make sure it might not be something else that just mimicked the symptoms.

Anyhow, that's enough of a rambling post for now, I think....I'm taking my tired ass to bed....so I can get up, talk to Matt, go to work, come home, do homework....eh, you know where I'm going with this. ;-)

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

This didn't tell me anything I didn't know...

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

"Two AM and I'm still awake, writing. . ." this journal....Ha, sorry, I couldn't resist the song reference. So, it's after 2 am, and I'm awake. Not for lack of trying, tho. Figured, ah hell, if I can't sleep, might as well get off my lazy ass and update my journal. Though, to be perfectly honest, it's not really laziness that keeps me from updating more regularly. For a good spell of time there, the only time I was online was to work on homework. Which brings up one good thing - I passed my first class in my Master's program with an A. Whoo! Go me!! *throws confetti* Now, if I can keep up the good work in my next class, that'll be peachy.

Also, I've met someone. I don't know exactly what he will be to me yet, but he intrigues me, and I enjoy talking to him. Tho, it's an online thing at the moment, (since he's currently in a foreign country, but an American citizen) he'll be back stateside in April, if not sooner. He travels a lot...planning a trip to India in January. Wants to bring me back something cool. Said I couldn't ask for a sitar because that'd be too hard to ship. *L* Darn! I'm still trying to think of something cool that he could send me. Speaking of him buying me things, he bought me an Ipod shuffle. (Yeah, he makes waaaay more money than I do, that spending 100.00 isn't a big deal) I am incredibly spoiled already. :D The really incredible part is that he bought it so that he can send me music files, also saying, "Every musician should have one." Yup, he's a musican, too. Plays mandolin, guitar, banjo, piano. Almost everything I can't. *L* He tells me he's not very good, but I'm sure he's just being modest. He collects guitars - he found a Fender yesterday and bought it, since he was "itching" to play. Yeah, I like this boy. ^_^ Tho, I still catch myself thinking, "What in the world is somebody this hot doing talking to somebody like me??" Yeah, he's hot. Self esteem problems, who, me??

This time of year always makes me a bit introspective; I find myself thinking back on the year, what I've done, where I've been, how my life has changed. If you had told me this time last year that I'd be working back at Magic Mart, and living at home, I'd have looked at you funny and walked away quickly. Yet, here I am. I think I've finally made my peace with it. Goddess knows I'm a helluva lot happier here, because that last year at Breathitt was damn near intolerable. It's taken me awhile to get back comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. I'm sure it's been an adjustment for my family, too, having me living back home again. But we're managing, and so far, so good.

I also put in for another teaching job. A school in a neighboring county (about 30 miles away) had their director resign last month, so they're looking for a replacement for the rest of this year and next year too. I put in my application, and the job posting closes this week, so hopefully I'll get called for an interview next week. I've discovered I miss teaching. Plus, there's the whole way more money and actual health insurance thing. But I do - I miss teaching. After how last year ended, I wasn't sure if I wanted to teach again. I was seriously close to burn out. But now that I've had a bit of a breather, I think I want to again. I think I'm ready. Of course, it's not in my hands, so if it's not meant to be right now, I'll be okay with that. I'm finally starting to learn that things really do happen for a reason. I mean, I've said it for years, but this is the first time I've really seen that saying apply to my own life. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Eh, well, I don't mind the growing up part so much as I mind the growing out. ;-)

My only real complaint in life is that I sometimes feel isolated - I don't talk to my friends much, and that's an irritant. I mean, if these people are supposed to be my friends, why can't they pick up a phone, or come visit??? (For those I chat with online on a regular basis, please know this isn't directed at you.) Lord & Lady knows I've spent my time doing both for them. It bugs me that I feel like I'm always the one doing the calling, or the visiting. And it's not like I live in the boonies anymore. There's actually stuff to do here, unlike my prior residence. I mean, friendship is supposed to be a two-way street, right? So why am I feeling like I'm stuck in the one-way only lane???

Anyways, I'm still trying to find my path....I spent a lot of time floundering, and just kind of passively letting events move me. I'm trying to do better. I'm actively trying to find my direction in life, without getting bogged down. For once, I'm trying not to be in a hurry, expecting things to happen, like, yesterday. For now, I'm content to let things unfold as they will, while still taking an active role in my own life. And for now, it's enough.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The South
The West
Philadelphia
The Inland North
The Northeast
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Lisa was a Mean Rock Star in a past life. Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

Heh, good times, good times. So, it's again been forever and a day since I've posted. *sigh* What can I say, life keeps getting in the way. Of course, my life isn't all that exciting anyways...you all aren't missing much. *LOL* I'm still working at teh department store, and I'm finishing up my first master's class. I'm actually procastinating on my final paper right now. ;-) I'll get it finished before it's done, but I just hit a wall right now and wanted to get away. So, I decided I'd get off my lazy ass and update this journal. :D Aren't you all so lucky? Oh, there is one other thing to mention. I've put in an application for another teaching job...we'll have to see how that goes, but I'm hopeful. I'm really not wanting to work at a department store during the holidays. Ugh. That's about the only polite thing I can say about it.

Anyways, enough for now, I'm headed for bed. I have to get up early and go move stuff outta my smaller storage unit, and put it in my bigger one. *sigh* Oh, joy in the mornin'!! *L*

Okay, so I haven't really had a whole lot to say here in the past, but I have the most hilarious story from work, that I just had to share.

Okay, so lemme 'splain a bit about my job. I'm a cashier at a small department store in my hometown. Now, I don't always run a register, but that's the bulk of my job. On Tuesday evening, I was running a register, and things were going fine. It was a bit slow, so my fellow cashiers and I were talking between customers. About an hour or so before closing, I had a customer come through my line we'll call "Money Woman". *that's what the girls at work dubbed her, anyhow* This was a rather large woman, wearing a tank top and shorts. She had quite a bit of stuff in her cart, and I rang it all up. When I hit the button the keyboard to tell her the final total, she had cash in hand. (I didn't see where she'd pulled it from) Her total included twenty five cents in change. After she handed me the cash money, she said, "No, wait, I've got some change." So, I expected her to reach into her pants pocket. But I was wrong. She reached INTO HER SHIRT (around the vicinity of her bra strap/uppper breast and pulls out A HANDFUL OF CHANGE. Not just a few solitary coins, I'm talking, PALMFUL OF CHANGE. So, she plucks a quarter out of the coinage, and hands it to me. It was WARM. I manage to keep a straight face, and got the money in the drawer, and she talks to me for a minute, making a remark about the fact that she keeps her money in her bra, so that her "old man couldn't get ahold of it". I'm really struggling here, but I laugh politely and wait until she leaves before I run for the hand sanitizer and let out my giggles.

I told my fellow cashiers that while I'd heard of some women keeping cash in their bra (or bra strap) I'd NEVER heard of one keeping CHANGE in there. My thought was, what the hell?? Did she have it stuck to her skin??? (it felt that way, since it was so warm) And how the hell did she keep that much change from falling down into the cups of her bra??? (since I just know if I tried that, that's exactly where it would have went)

Needless to say, my work buddies and I had quite the laughing exchange over exactly WHERE she kept the rest of her money.

Okay, so it's been like, forever and a day since I've updated this journal.. Lots of stuff has happened. I got a job, working at a department store here at home. I work all the time, which is part of the reason I've not been around much. I've also started school, I'm entering my third week of my first class, and doing pretty good so far. I've been getting into a routine here at home and at work. I've started making some friends at work, which is good. Not really doing much after work, but I work nights. I get home between nine and nine thirty, depends on how quickly I get to count down my till. It like work pretty well. Sometimes it gets boring, but most of the people I work with are pretty cool, so that helps. The pay isn't great, but it isn't awful, either.

Hmm, let's see, what else has been going on?? Well, not two weeks ago, I got in an accident...I'm fine, but my car got banged up some. :( That part really sucks...I've gotten the check from the insurance agency, but I haven't gotten it fixed yet. Waiting for the garage to get the parts in. If you knew just how attached I was to my car, you'd understand how traumatic that experience has been for me!

Uhh...let's see....I think that's all the major stuff. My life is so boring. *LOL*

....since I've gotten off my ass and updated this journal. A bunch has happened...some of I'm not really ready to talk about, and some of it just mundane crap. On the plus side, I found a new job, and have worked four days now. It's going pretty well - I like most of the people I work with, altho there is one guy that I can tell is going to work my nerves like nothing else. But, as I told a friend of mine tonight, I'm trying to refrain violence, as I'm sure my new employers would frown on bloodshed in the workplace. :D

As for other things - I've kinda been withdrawing away from people....I don't know if it's just because I've been busy with the new job, or if it's just because I've still been dealing with the fallout of the depression and some other crap that's been going on in my life. I'm still very upset about a situation that's developed with one of my closest friends in the world. We're not really speaking right now, and that upsets me more than I can say. So I'm doing a whole lot of not thinking about it, my favored way of dealing with crap I don't want to deal with. The other thing that bothers me is that another dear friend, a sister, really, is stuck in the middle between us. That is something I never wanted, and if I could go back in time and change what happened, I would. *sigh* I just don't know what to do about that situation, and we've just not talked. Part of that, I guess, is my fault, but I think part of the blame should fall on him, too. It takes two to have a relationship, and I get tired of always being the one to reach out, to make contact. Why can't some of my friends reach out to me once in awhile???

Here lately I've been dealing with so much of my own personal misery...wallowing, I guess you could say. Yet I've always tried to be there for my friends, because I care about them. I want the people I care about to be happy. But I'm tired of (some) of my friends never being there for my emotional crap. Maybe part of that is my fault, because I'm not a big one to just spill my guts about stuff. *except, most notably, for this journal* I guess I just expect my friends to be able to read my mind, and know when something's wrong.

Anyhow, I didn't start this entry to be just a straight bitch/whine. There's good things too. The depression meds I'm on have started to make a difference, in how I feel and in how I act. Which I'm grateful for. The blood sugar stuff is starting to get under control, which makes me smile. I'm getting stuff together for going back to school, with a tentative start date of the 26th of this month. I'm both excited and nervous about that, but I finally feel like I'm taking control of my destiny again. For four months all I did was drift - I didn't really look for a job, I wasn't really looking into the school thing, all I wanted to do was sleep. The hip injury didn't help matters, but I realize now that depression was my biggest problem. Now that the meds are taking care of that, I feel better than I have in a long time. Even tho I'm just working a 9-5 job, just having a job makes me feel better, like I'm less of a loser. Does that make sense?? I went from teaching high school to waiting on customers in a department store, and I'm happy about this??? But yeah, I am. And I'm happy about going back to school. So, I'm cautiously optimistic about the future.

The Edge


Chaos reigns supreme in my head,
as I struggle to maintain the
balance
within my soul.

So many changes
in such a short time
have brought me to this
sorry state.

In my mind's eye,
looms a precipice;
dark, jagged,
with depths unknown
in wait for the slightest misstep.

I stand at this cliff,
unable to step back,
yet leaning ever closer
to the edge.

Screams echo off the boundaries
of my skull
silent and unheard,
as silver tears trace
lines of sorrow ever
downward.

Storm clouds rage and
boil, as lightning
sears across the
heavenly firmament
of my mind.

Closer now, I look downward
into madness and despair.
Shaking, I cringe away
from the ledge, desperate
to escape my own anguish
and fears.

Sobbing now, I claw my way
back from that tempting precipice -
with each step the storm clouds
recede
'til I am left
shuddering and shaking,
in the light once more.

In balance, however tenuous,
once more.

Your Taste in Music:

90's Pop: Highest Influence Adult Alternative: High Influence 80's Rock: Medium Influence 90's Alternative: Medium Influence 90's Rock: Medium Influence

You Are 24% Obsessive

You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control. Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.

This one is SOOO not right....I can be quite scary when the occasion calls for it... ;-)

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

And one more....

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Ecstacy

I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. ( Caution! Whining and Bitching Ahead!! )